Saul kept walking when he reached his alley because he couldn’t face his wife or kids. Instead of being the man of the family, he had become the child—needing to be cared for instead of providing. He rolled through options in the dark of the night, but even if he could get another job, he couldn’t make enough money to make a difference. Saul continued walking and thinking, and he wasn’t sure how long he’d been walking when the he saw the phone booth full of tiny, square windows of possibility. He walked in and pressed the door shut, keeping his hand there for a moment to be sure it was secure. Saul faced the phone and stood there for a second, breathing deeply, feeling the gravity of what he was about to do. He reached for the hand piece with his left hand and dialed with his right.
As each ring echoed in his ear, Saul clinched the payphone’s receiver with such intensity he was sure a passerby would burst into the violent-red booth and yank the phone from his hand. Maybe he wouldn’t answer. Maybe he had moved. Maybe he was dead.
“Hello?” answered his brother.
“Bryan?” he said gently. “It’s Saul,”
“Saul? Bloody hell; is that really you? I thought I’d never hear from you again.”
“Yes, Bryan; it’s really me… I need to talk to you.”
“Wouldn’t have called otherwise, eh?”
“Be serious. This is serious.”
“Fine. What is it? As I remember, you wanted nothing to do with me anymore.”
“Bryan…”
“Hey, your words, not mine. I figured you had burned my number by now.”
Saul tried to keep the annoyance out of his voice. “Listen, can we meet somewhere?”
“So you’ll be seen with me then?”
Saul contained himself by squeezing the phone’s handle even tighter. “Yes or no?”
“Alright,” he said. “Where are we going to meet? I assume you’re still living in Scotland?”
Saul said his words with care. “I thought you could maybe come to Edinburgh. Or somewhere close by?”
“Why should I do that? If you want to see me, you come here.”
“Bryan, you know that I would if I could…if I had the…you know I can’t afford it.”
“Financial situation still the same, is it? Well if this is about money, forget it, but if it’s about something important, I might could make the journey to your part of the world…but only if you give me a good reason…”
“Bryan, I have a good reason, but I want to tell you in person.”
“Give it or forget it.”
Saul wanted to shout at him. He wanted to tell him off as he had so many times before. He wanted to tell him he was a lowlife who was good for nothing. But he wanted—needed—to talk to him more than anything. “I have cancer, and I don’t have long left.”
As he walked home, the same words drummed through his head with a disconnected beat of their own: In three days he would see his brother again.
“Hey,” Saul said, closing the door and pulling his coat off.
His wife rocked gently on the couch, legs folded beneath her body and arms held to her chest. Fear and relief dyed her face.
“Saul, you’re alright,” she breathed. She searched him up and down with her eyes. “Where have you been? Are you feeling okay?”
It seemed like she had aged thirty years in the past three months. Her eyes were heavy with shadows, and though she remained caring and strict with the kids, her foundation was no longer strong.
Saul crossed the living room and pulled her off the couch and into a hug. He used his fingers to massage her back and hold her head to his chest. He didn’t know how late it was, but he knew the kids were asleep.
Her body quivered against his. “Where have you been, Saul? I was getting worried.”
He breathed deeply, keeping her close as he expanded then released the air. “I called Bryan.”
She drew back, her eyes open and questioning his. “Bryan?”
“Bryan.”
“But hasn’t it been…”
“Twenty-three years?”
“Twenty-three years…” her voice faded into her thoughts. “But, my love, why did you…what made you decide to…to call him?”
“I had to tell him.”
She held a hand to her mouth as she nodded. He knew she wanted to understand, wanted to support him.
“I’m meeting with him on Sunday.”
Her hand fell from her face. “Seeing him?” She shook her head no. “You mean he’s… he’s coming here?”
“Yes, he’s coming here—not to the house of course—but to the loch.”
I thought this story was really good. I never imagined the ending.
In general, I enjoyed the story. The only comment I’d make in addition to the others already made is that, when writing a story set in another country from your own, pay attention to small details that make it authentic. There are several times in the story where American expressions and spellings are frequently used – ‘diapers’ (we use nappies in Britain), referring to the temperature in Edinburgh being in the teens … this would be in farenheit – we use Celsius here and although these points may seem pedantic, they are important in conveying an authenticity. I noticed them so other British readers probably would too. Although written by and American, perhaps, for an American audience, if the setting is in Britain then everything about the story should be ‘British’ in essence.
The story flowed well and had a natural ‘feel’. Feelings and emotions were very much highlighted but I believe the subject matter facilitated this perspective.
First there are a number of typos e.g: but if it’s about something important, I might could make the journey…
Second, it is very obviously written by a lady – too much description based on feelings.
Third, I got caught in the story but wanted to stop reading it a few times. Anyone who has experienced cancer in their families will find this hard to read (most families have).
The writing needs some tightening up, and a lot of proof reading – sorry Megan.
I love this. The hopelessness of the poor man’s situation comes through clearly. A small suggestion. In the line – Saul said his words with care. “I though you could mabye come to Edinburgh….” – I think I’d change ’said’ to ‘chose’.
I kept hoping he’d turn the tables on his rotten brother and actually be betraying him by exposing the plan but alas, that was not to be.
Unfortunately, I must agree with Christine. The first page did not grab me. There was nothing that made me want to read more about this sad man and his sad circumstances. The conflict needs to be apparent sooner in order to interest a reader.
We value your thoughtful comments.What did you like/dislike?What would improve it?
It’s a very good effort. Some nice sentences and evocativ images. But, the writer might consider going over it again to make the writing crisper. Tighter. For example, first line….A fine film of mist soaked Saul’s skin, glasses, and brown hair as he walked through the gusty alley… could perhaps be more immediate to catch the readers attention by writing instead something like: ‘A fine mist enfolded Saul as he walked along the gray alley.’ Author needs to vary pace of story with shorter, more pointed sentences that focus the action. She might consider whether her words are well chosen for the image she is going for. For example, if — a fine film of a mist soaked him… it mustn’t have been fine but rather heavy. If the author would like me to continue to comment, I will, but I am unable to commit to reading a 5 pg story that doesn’t grab me by middle of second page.
This is a great story! Initially, when I saw the length of 5 pages, I thought it would be too long for a good read online. But when I finished page 5 I hoped for page 6. I wanted more.
Good character development of Saul and Bryan. I’m still wondering about the Dad angle, what happened in their youth that set them on separate paths.
I liked everything about this story. Please contribute more.