Comments on: A Score in a Loaf

By: Barbara Topolosky

Barbara Topolosky — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 06:23:04 +0000

I thought this story was really good. I never imagined the ending.

By: sugarmouse62

sugarmouse62 — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 19:27:51 +0000

In general, I enjoyed the story. The only comment I’d make in addition to the others already made is that, when writing a story set in another country from your own, pay attention to small details that make it authentic. There are several times in the story where American expressions and spellings are frequently used – ‘diapers’ (we use nappies in Britain), referring to the temperature in Edinburgh being in the teens … this would be in farenheit – we use Celsius here and although these points may seem pedantic, they are important in conveying an authenticity. I noticed them so other British readers probably would too. Although written by and American, perhaps, for an American audience, if the setting is in Britain then everything about the story should be ‘British’ in essence.
The story flowed well and had a natural ‘feel’. Feelings and emotions were very much highlighted but I believe the subject matter facilitated this perspective.

By: jhglimmerveen

jhglimmerveen — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 03:38:51 +0000

First there are a number of typos e.g: but if it’s about something important, I might could make the journey…

Second, it is very obviously written by a lady – too much description based on feelings.

Third, I got caught in the story but wanted to stop reading it a few times. Anyone who has experienced cancer in their families will find this hard to read (most families have).

The writing needs some tightening up, and a lot of proof reading – sorry Megan.

By: linnea

linnea — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 23:13:20 +0000

I love this. The hopelessness of the poor man’s situation comes through clearly. A small suggestion. In the line – Saul said his words with care. “I though you could mabye come to Edinburgh….” – I think I’d change ’said’ to ‘chose’.
I kept hoping he’d turn the tables on his rotten brother and actually be betraying him by exposing the plan but alas, that was not to be.

By: Brenda

Brenda — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:54:14 +0000

Unfortunately, I must agree with Christine. The first page did not grab me. There was nothing that made me want to read more about this sad man and his sad circumstances. The conflict needs to be apparent sooner in order to interest a reader.

By: christinebreen

christinebreen — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:07:30 +0000

We value your thoughtful comments.What did you like/dislike?What would improve it?

It’s a very good effort. Some nice sentences and evocativ images. But, the writer might consider going over it again to make the writing crisper. Tighter. For example, first line….A fine film of mist soaked Saul’s skin, glasses, and brown hair as he walked through the gusty alley… could perhaps be more immediate to catch the readers attention by writing instead something like: ‘A fine mist enfolded Saul as he walked along the gray alley.’ Author needs to vary pace of story with shorter, more pointed sentences that focus the action. She might consider whether her words are well chosen for the image she is going for. For example, if — a fine film of a mist soaked him… it mustn’t have been fine but rather heavy. If the author would like me to continue to comment, I will, but I am unable to commit to reading a 5 pg story that doesn’t grab me by middle of second page.

By: admin

admin — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 12:14:00 +0000

This is a great story! Initially, when I saw the length of 5 pages, I thought it would be too long for a good read online. But when I finished page 5 I hoped for page 6. I wanted more.

Good character development of Saul and Bryan. I’m still wondering about the Dad angle, what happened in their youth that set them on separate paths.

I liked everything about this story. Please contribute more.