She hangs her head and the blond hair cascade down her shoulders. When she starts to speak, a chill freezes his limbs, rendering him impotent against the wave of emotion whirling through the room.
“I wanted a baby. Nobody was willing to help, nothing worked. I went to a woman at the pier, a gypsy. She said I will have my baby, but the child will be accompanied by a terrible darkness, a time of mourning.”
Sammy turns around from the window and sits down on the bed beside Brian. Guilt darkens her eyes, flushes her face. He pushes on, he wants more.
“What did you do? Where does the old man come into the picture?”
Sammy compresses her lips in a straight line. She shakes her head and averts her eyes.
“If I tell you, this would all be for nothing. He said nobody must know the truth.” Brian opens his mouth in protest and closes it again. Questions whirl through his mind, confusing his thoughts. He waits for the storm to calm.
“How did the gypsy explain the darkness?”
Sammy clasps her hands together in her lap. Her face contorted in a frown. She inhales, but a knock on the door stops her from speaking. Relief floods over her face as she runs to the door.
Brian can’t see the visitor, but Sammy’s stiff body reveals an unwelcome one. The visitor whispers something to Sammy and she stands back to allow him access. He walks towards Brian lying on the bed.
Brian takes a few seconds to recognize the old man from the park. He is much younger now and his gait is upright, but he is undoubtedly the same man.
“I don’t’ think we need introductions.” The man perches on the edge of the bed.
“No, you’re the man from the park.” The man nods.
“What is going on here?”
“Sammy is now pregnant and I have twenty more years to live inside this body. A favorable agreement, don’t you think?”
Brian frowns.
“How, if I’ve been in a coma for five months?”
“Ten years of each of your lives. You’re young and could live another fifty, but this body had days to go.”
“Could?” Brian screams. “What do you mean by could?”
“Who knows what the Good Lord plans for you? Might be today, might be tomorrow, might be in fifty years.” The man rises from the bed and walks to the door. Sammy leans against the frame, hugging her stomach – a satisfied smile on her lips. Brian’s mind refuses to compute the sudden bulge.
“Wait.” Brian calls. “Who are you?”
The man turns around and stares at Brian for a long moment before he answers. The temperature inside the room drops and Brian shivers.”You won’t be able to handle the truth if you hear it.” He continues towards the door.
“Try me.” The words chatter against Brian’s teeth as the man stops. Icicles cling to the overhead light and steam rises from the blankets. Sammy stands rooted to the spot at the door, motionless, waiting.
The man slowly turns around. Brian’s scream shatters the ice crystals in the room. In the sudden silence, the man walks out the door, a grim smile on his face.
Sammy hugs her now protruding stomach as she stares down at Brian. “It’s just you and me now, my precious. Daddy won’t be around to bother us anymore.”
We value your thoughtful comments.What did you like/dislike?What would improve it?
The story has interesting ideas and Sammy makes a really good ‘Rosemary’(Rosemary’s Baby was a movie about a demonic cult wanting to ‘care’ for a child that was supposedly the devil’s son). There should be more about her and her desire for a child. Sometimes it would be better for us if we don’t find that ’special’ someone.
I too found typos, spell check is a life saver sometimes. I’d have bought it typos and all with a little more development.
oops… should have written… whose body… not who’s body. Working too quickly.
I also found it a bit confusing. What are the yellow patches on the first page of the diary? Leaves? Stains? However, the descriptive bits are very good.
We value your thoughtful comments.What did you like/dislike?What would improve it?
Some very good stuff here, but a little confusing for this reader. Diary in early part of story was written in third person and diary in latter part of story written in first person. It might be helpful to clarify the story’s plot a bit more. Wasn’t clear to me who’s body the Devil was going to live in… or why Brian was in a coma… Did the Devil switch bodies. Was Brian going back into a coma? Good effort though and some well constructed sentences.
Whoa! This left me wondering about Daddy and the devil. Well done! Check your spelling though. I found a typo, excited was exited.
You might try breaking it into two pages at an appropriate point. It’s a bit long for one page. See the writers guidelines for how to do that.