Comments on: Excerpt: The First Vial : Indecent Proposal

By: linnea

linnea — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 22:40:03 +0000

Thank you, zara. I’m glad you liked it. As to writing ‘can not’ rather than ‘cannot’, the usage is acceptable. When you either could or could not do something then using two words is correct. If you are unable to to something then using cannot is correct. Katherine had a choice.

By: zara

zara — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 13:38:11 +0000

The characterisation of the priest is vivid and details, and the dialogue is effective, written to add to and help your reader better understand his character.

Although a short excerpt, this is very well written and flows nicely. The interaction between the characters is believable.

One observation: “I can not let you compromise” – I thi9nk “cannot” is one word.

By: Brenda

Brenda — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:46:30 +0000

I am sure you meant “chunks” and not “chuks.” I think you can make the first paragraph stronger. Let us know more about Lady Katherine. When speaking about the sumptuous bedchamber, maybe “retreat” or “lair”, rather than possession, would be good. You do a good job of contructing the evil priest character – ugh!

By: linnea

linnea — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 13:48:40 +0000

Admin – I’ve fixed the typos. I was having trouble with cut-and-paste. I tried it three times and lost it. In frustration I finally typed the excerpt directly into the post so probably wasn’t as observant as I should have been. A link is an excellent idea.

By: linnea

linnea — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 13:44:52 +0000

Thank you carolrazadkiewicz. I appreciate your response.

By: admin

admin — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 12:28:41 +0000

Well written, tight dialogue. Helps the reader feel the entire book is something worth reading.

Though a short excerpt, there was enough to cause me to deeply dislike the priest and respect Katherine’s strength.

The image is beautiful and adds an attractive feature to this excerpt.

A few suggestions: The ending didn’t leave me in suspense, perhaps a different breaking point, shorter or longer with a link to where I can purchase the book?

The word WHEN is all caps, is that intentional?

Perhaps a typo, when she thinks of the priest’s touch it makes her flesh craw or crawl?

By: carolrzadkiewicz

carolrzadkiewicz — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:14:53 +0000

This is very well written, and the attention to detail,from the furnishing to the clothing and even the type of poker the priest uses to stir the fire, demonstrates that the writer did her research. Moreover, the ending of this excerpt definitely makes the reader want to know more.