Comments on: Seraphic Retribution

By: zara

zara — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 13:25:37 +0000

Thank you so much for your feedback! I am delighted – this is exactly the kind of feedback I was hoping for! I do indeed have first hand knowledge of this man – it’s based on Robert Mugabe, the current president of Zimbabwe, and a man who continues to destroy his country and its people.

Admin: He promised to lead his people to freedom and a better life, but 29 years after he took power his people are worse off than they were before.

Linnea: Your editing suggestions are much appreciated. Thank you.

Anita: Three ghosts might be too many, and also could make a reader think of the three ghosts in “A Christmas Carol”… I will work on your suggestion.

Brenda: I understand your comment about trying to give my dictator a redeeming quality, but I was trying to show that this is a man who was given ample opportunities to do good, and to lead his people. Instead he brutalised and savaged his people, and in doing so tries to blame others for his “decisions”. Perhaps I need to expand on his _the Old Man’s – rationale as he speaks to Uriel.

By: anita

anita — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 05:11:31 +0000

We value your thoughtful comments.What did you like/dislike?What would improve it?

I like the character of Uriel – vividly described and he speaks well. The story reminds me of the ghosts of Christmas Past from The Christmas Carol. What the old man needs is repentance. This will give you a better ending, and a more satisfying feeling for the reader. You could also delete one of these ghosts, as it becomes rather tiresome reading through so many. After all just one is enough to make the point you want to make.

By: linnea

linnea — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 01:13:35 +0000

Very interesting read. Perhaps you have some first hand knowledge of men like this? Just a couple of additional suggestions.
‘Dark robes covered the body so it was imposibble to discern the intruder’s gender.’ I think I’d change ’so it was impossible’ to ‘making it impossible’, just to improve flow. The same with the following. ‘He’d asked Father Jerome why the Archangels were not wearing flowing white robes’. I’d substitute ‘did not wear’ for ‘were not wearing’. Also you wrote, ‘And your gratitude was bittersweet.’ Bittersweet doesn’t seem to be the right word. His gratitude was nonexistent, ALL bitter, no sweet. He killed the farmer. I think I’d try to find a better word.
Overall, I enjoyed this.

By: Brenda

Brenda — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 23:03:14 +0000

It’s not enough just to watch an evil man suffer. Your dictator must have some redeeming human quality in order for readers to care about him as a protagonist.

By: admin

admin — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:26:12 +0000

Ah, a wonderful thing conscience. Or maybe we are judged and punished? A good story, a bit terrifying but that was probably the intent.

Readability could be improved with some breaks at appropriate points to show a shift in time or situation.

I’m not sure what this means…”You promised your people Paradise, but instead you’ve delivered them Hell. The earthly benefit is for your people, not you.”

Thanks for your contribution!