Comments on: Wrong Place, Wrong Time – The d’Arc – Chapter 1 (excerpt)

By: cfmacek

cfmacek — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:28:10 +0000

Also – this is an adaptation of an original screenplay that I wrote – which leaves much of the description as to the settings, etc. to the imagination of the reader.

By: cfmacek

cfmacek — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:26:41 +0000

Thanks Christine for your comments. I understand how a brief snippet might give a false impression of what the story is all about (see my previous reply in regard to Brenda’s comment). The point of these first few pages was to paint a very detailed picture of a particular idyllic scene – which gets shattered when all Hell breaks loose – literally when Diane wakes up chained to a wall in an underground witches’ sanctuary. The point about the tan leather was to have the red berries crushed on them – so that the symbolic image would be like blood on flesh – a precursor to what would happen a few pages later. I’ll try rewriting it – and see if it ultimately has the same impact.

By: christinebreen

christinebreen — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:02:18 +0000

Didn’t work for me. Didn’t believe it. Author seems to be telling too much and not showing enough. Didn’t leave much for the reader to imagine although very visual and with good atmospheric descriptions. Strong signs of an experienced writer here. But I believed in the setting more than the plot.

“The tan leather seats of the deep-blue convertible had become littered with brittle, brown leaves and pungent, cranberry-colored fruit from the ailing, mature shade tree.”

This reader didn’t really care that the seats were tan. Same with ‘deep-blue’ convertible… littered with brown leaves would have sufficed…. etc..

I wonder if it was rewritten and some of the added descriptions taken out, if it would leave greater room for the imagination of the reader to take hold and participate more in the story.

By: cfmacek

cfmacek — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 19:16:03 +0000

I chose to end this excerpt before it became too grim, horrifying and violent. The next few paragraphs detail the grusome death of Diane’s husband and the semi-demonic possession of her daughter as well as the introduction of the d’Arc. The story is primarily a horror tale – however there is a bit of intentional macabre humor in the character of Hastings. I am doing this to introduce the story – at this point almost a red herring or a “McGuffin” – but I can add later scenes which give more of a the true flavor of the story.

By: Brenda

Brenda — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:02:02 +0000

It was a dark and stormy night. . . I can’t tell if this is supposed to be frightening or if it’s macabre humor.