Comments on: Attacked by Sea Monster

By: Golda Mowe

Golda Mowe — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 04:00:22 +0000

It was stupendously funny. I haven’t had such a good laugh in a long time, and to think that there might be a real monster after them. I was hooked from paragraph 1. I wish that you have split up the different dialogues though, would make it easier to read.

By: jhglimmerveen

jhglimmerveen — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 21:36:20 +0000

Thanks for the critique, all good points Linnea.

By: linnea

linnea — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 20:27:17 +0000

Just a few suggestions. ‘His mind flashed back to’ is a bit awkward. I might change it to simply ‘He thought back to’
Try and eliminate the overuse of ‘had’ – ie. ‘two hours later they had arrived’ or ‘The weather forecast had been right’. Both of these sentences are fine without it – ‘they arrived two hours later’ or ‘the weather forecast was right’.
I notice your paragraphs often include two speakers. Each time you change speakers you need to start a new paragraph even if it’s only for one line of dialogue.
The phrase ‘by a screamed but muffled noise’ could be simplified to ‘by a muffled scream’.
I think there is a nautical term for turning left so it probably should be used.
The air horn is a cute touch as is the mental image of Jason in his Superman boxer shorts!

By: jhglimmerveen

jhglimmerveen — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 19:26:56 +0000

Thanks Brenda, I need to work on the proof reading. Hammocks are often used if the weather is bad – less movement for the occupant.

By: Brenda

Brenda — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 19:17:03 +0000

Lots of action and excitement in this one, John. Look up “sole/soul” and “whit/wit” though. And, why is Ann sleeping in a hammock if there are bunks? I did enjoy this tale, in spite of these minor errors. Your knowledge of boats makes for wonderful descriptions.

By: alisa newsome

alisa newsome — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 20:02:19 +0000

It was too cute! Albeit, I read it with your accent in mind, kinda takes away from the ogeechee river ambiance! I have been on a boat trip much like this one, but without the scarey sea monster, aka paint can! Loved it! Keep at it!