Comments on: Re-Discovery

By: WPConant

WPConant — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 14:33:54 +0000

Point well taken, Dean. Thanks for the critique. I now have that introductory and the first three chapters to rewrite. But as I look back at some of the successful authors I’ve enjoyed, I recognize what I’ve always seen in their writings but neglected to put it into my beginning work; which is exactly what you were talking about. By the way, from another old hippie, I appreciate your honest response.

By: Dean West

Dean West — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 02:07:17 +0000

There’s a hundred and eighty degrees of separation between you and me Bill, but personal beliefs aside, this needs work.

You’re a passionate man but the only way to write with passion is to stand back and approach the subject with detachment. I understand that seems a contradiction but for once, trust an old hippie and try it – if the narrator becomes a remote observer, it forces the reader to become a part of the story. Otherwise, the work becomes a self-absorbed rant about what could have been, and what might be.

Just an opinion – Semper Fi.

Dean

By: WPConant

WPConant — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 01:59:58 +0000

Brenda, this is an ongoing project. As I stated in an earlier post response, I’m using this as the opening to the full story, which will jump back to the recent past (as related to this storyline) and write the story from a certain point in time (the future; in 2011), introduce the main characters and develop the storyline. I plan on the storyline to establish the events that are referenced in this piece. I will probably be using this piece as the finale to wrap up the story. If successful, I’ll follow up with another story that will pick up from the main character’s trip to South Carolina. Maybe a bit too ambitious, but I’m going to give it a try.
If anyone has any other comments (please be honest and brutal), I would greatly appreciate it.
Bill

By: Brenda

Brenda — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 15:57:20 +0000

William,

This is an interesting beginning, but it needs another round of revision. Pay attention to the use of and lack of prepositions. Also, be sure to change non-standard spellings such as “thru” to “through.” It does promise a good, action-packed story, though. Is the next chapter on the way?

By: WPConant

WPConant — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 14:47:45 +0000

I was troubled about the structure and flow of the first paragraph. I came to a solution as to rewrite it with more clarity but that would have exceeded the word limit for the Aspiring Writers competition. So I’ve left the rewrite for the complete work. Thanks for reading the story and your constructive criticism. More comments (please be honest and brutal) are asked for by others as well.
Bill

By: Jerry

Jerry — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 12:40:23 +0000

I’m not military, but I liked the story and wasn’t troubled by the uncertainty of time frame. There’s some odd spacing in the first few lines that could be cleaned up, as well as a typo (thru).
All in all, an interesting “intro” to something longer.
Thanks for contributing.

By: WPConant

WPConant — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 03:00:50 +0000

Thanks for the comments, John. Points well taken. This piece was written as part of the Aspiring Writers competition, with a 715 word limit. My intention in writing this piece in the chosen manner was to peak some interest as to where the author was going. Hence, if this piece (after some leading facts were added to clarify the what and when) was used as an introductory to the whole story, I could then jump back to the recent past and write the story from a certain point in time (the future about two years from now), introduce the main characters and develop the storyline. I’ll stop at this point and ask for more comments (with this explanation in mind).
P.S. I’ve received other responses back from other sources/friends from the web. I’ve found that military-type personnel generally caught on to where I was going with this short piece (including relatives of military personnel). I find that interesting.

By: jhglimmerveen

jhglimmerveen — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 19:26:48 +0000

William,
Forgive me, but I have no idea what your story is about, what time frame we are reading about and even what era – I thought it was current, or perhaps in the future, until you mentioned the horses etc. in the last paragraph.
It is an interesting piece but it needs a lot of work to make it readable. Remember, you know what you are trying to say, but is that what’s coming through in the prose?
Keep writing.
Regards:
John