Comments on: Quest for Onepus – Part 1

By: Bennett Parrish

Bennett Parrish — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 04:00:10 +0000

I was taken with the character from the start. I did find myself wondering about the special fuel and a few other word choices and ‘fiddly-bits’ – which would probably be addressed in some edit BUT I think your main character is interesting enough to make me want more and that IS the response you want from your reader. Lucky for me there is more to be read!

By: Tasja

Tasja — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 10:54:02 +0000

Thank you all for your helpful comments! I hope you’ll be interested enough to keep reading until the end. The characters start to take shape, and new ones appear very soon, I promise.

Just to clarify, while the story is labeled as “sci-fi,” I really just wanted to use that as a back-drop because I’m a bit of a sci-fi geek. The characters and their story is more important than whether it takes place on a space-ship or elsewhere.

Thank you for reading and I do hope you follow along and enjoy it

By: Brenda

Brenda — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 18:03:29 +0000

I am interested in the characters and intrigued enough to want to read more and see where the story goes. Watch out for verb tenses throughout. You jump around between past and present in the first paragraph in a way that is a bit confusing. Also, you “led” her through the ship, past tense, correct? The last part makes me wonder if this passenger is going to be troublesome. Hmmm. What next? You show a good understanding of what makes sci-fi work.

By: deanwest

deanwest — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 01:10:37 +0000

The style has a conversational tone which makes the reader like the character immediately.

I found a contradiction in that the MC admits to not having certain skills in the beginning yet we learn he has made major modifications to the ship. I liked him better as an incompetent.

Even though, the style is relaxed, be careful about repeating, “always very, This way, But alas!, Of course” Some words are simply filler words that do not move a story forward.

Another issue: SiFi readers won’t tolerate vagueness. “I also used a special type of fuel for my hyper-drive.” This won’t fly with some. You need to be nerdy, detailed. That’s why I liked the guy initially because he doesn’t know how things work. That’s your strength with this piece.

By: jhglimmerveen

jhglimmerveen — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 17:37:19 +0000

Tasja,

I’m not sure this makes sense: ‘although the ship is large enough for one, but still small enough for me to handle on my own’
Large enough for one implies small. Small enough for me to handle implies big. Which is it?
Not sure about this too: ‘noticing the appreciative look on her face. To my annoyance, her reaction to my ship pleased me.’
Why would you be annoyed if she appreciates what you did?

By: michelle

michelle — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 05:22:51 +0000

I like it. I’m interested in seeing where this story is going and finding out why the main character likes to be alone so much. So keep posting.