Well, I was down to the swamp an this allegory, least I think it were an allegory I know one got a skinnier nose than the other but you know what I mean… He climbed up out’n the water, looked me in the eye and commenced to tellin’ this story.
I figured I didn’t have nuthin better to do, I had been peacefully drowning worms all afternoon so I decided I would lissen.
So he says, “Don’t you think it is odd that some politician kinda named after me claimed to invent that interweb thing an’ now he is on about global warming when er’body knows that the daggone interweb caused all the global warming to start with?”
I don’t have nothin to do with no dam’ computer but my wife been after me to get her some o’ them allegory shoes so I nod an’ grin at him hopin’ he will tell me more or I can figure out how to get the drop on him to get her that pair of shoes.
Well, he leans back an smiles at me like he knows what I’s thinkin an says “See the interweb is fulla pictures of nekkid wimmens an even nekkid crocodiles an everythin like that.”
Well, least now I remembers it is the crocodiles got a pointy nose an the allegories nose is different. Then I started to thinkin about what the hell a metaphor was but my mind kept wanderin’ back to the nekkid wimmens so I nodded and smiled some more hopin’ he would talk more about them coz the nekkid crocodile kept creepin in and that is just sick, if you know what I mean.
Well, he went on by’n'by an says:
“Well, T’ my way o’ thinkin’ it is the teenage boys lookin at them nekkid pictures causin’ the heat. See there is the first law of thermodynamics which is ‘heat is work an work is heat’ an’ those boys is getting all riled up an then committin’ the sin of Onan an the friction is just warmin’ up the atmosphere. Then there is another law ’bout heat not passing from one body to a hotter body, so’s it is natural that that friction is causing heat an’ it gotta go somewheres.”
‘Bout now it occurs to me that a speakin’ Bible quotin’ allegory might be worth more than a pair of shoes or maybe I am in some kinda dirty joke this afternoon, you know like “A poor Mississippi fisherman an an allegory walk into a bar and the allegory sez…” But still the first movie I ever saw was ‘Song of the South’ an it had all kinda talkin’ animals, so mebbe I just ain’t been payin’ attention an this goes on alla time.
An’ the allegory just sets there smilin’ like he is waitin’ for me to catch on to whatever he is talking ’bout.
By’n'by he says, “So I got this idea that mebbe you folks should go an tell him to uninvent the interwebs an then alla nekkid wimmens will go away an the teenagers he got all riled up will go back to normal an’ he can get another Nobel prize.”
Well, ’bout then I figured a bible quotin’ talkin’ allegory isn’t worth a darn if it is talkin’ shine-ola. I mean, who ever heard of a politician gettin’ a Nobel prize? Monkeys’ more likely to fly outa my butt.
So I jumps on him an we wrassled in the swamp two mebbe three hours, first he is on top of me an then I is on top of him wrasslin an thrashin around in that bayou water. Pretty soon he is more tired than I am tired so we float up an I rolled him over an’ you know that allegory didn’t have on one damn shoe neither!
Well me an the allegory had a pretty good laugh bout that. Finally he convinced me that he had a fair bit of knowin’ on what he was talkin ’bout. I went down to the liberry and they had that interwebs thing there an’ dang if it wasn’t fulla nekkid everything you could imagine an’ then some!
Well, tha’s when I was decidin’ to follow the allegory’s plan an become a interweb millionaire ‘cept me an the allegory din’t have nothin’ to do with no nekkid nothin’.
We got some ads up an’ promised to sell people a cure for carbon dioxide emission. Now his idee was based on pure science like his other stuff, that allegory – his name’s Albert, I reckon I shoulda said that before. An I guess I can tell you Albert been the best partner I ever had. Well he knowed a lot of science an’ ‘cept for that most places got some pretty strict rules ’bout allowin’ Albert inside, he wouldn’t even need me.
He come up with this idee, an’ people send $50 and a $10 handling fee for our guaranteed all natural solar powered carbon dioxide reducer. Then I send them a packet of beans an a bit of soil to grow ‘em in. Well, we even offer a refund if the folks are upset at payin’ $50 for a pack of beans but it all works out coz we make all the profit on the handling fee anyway. Albert figured we’d make interest on the payments and send ’bout 80% of them back an didn’t even really have to do that because we din’t tell no lie t’all. Them bean plants take in carbon dioxide an’ send out oxygen. But we did steal the idea from Jack and the Beanstalk, so we figured we would still be ok if we gave back the $50.00.
Anyway, Albert, he convinced me to do some research and damn if I didn’t find the politician name of Al Gore kinda like Allegory an damn if all that other stuff Albert tole me wasn’t true too. Even the Nobel prize. So I am a bit worried ’bout when the monkeys gon’ start flyin’ outta my butt and am I gonna have to share this bean business idea with them?
by the way, this here document is copyright (c) 2008 Les Freres Mouffett Publishing
I’m wondering about the accent too. I was thinking the narrator kind of sounds like he’s from Louisiana or something, until the part about the joke with the Mississippi fisherman – close enough. It is an amusing story.
Where in the world is this accent supposed to be from? I like the part about the “allegory” turning out to be shoeless, though. Very unexpected and cleverly funny.